“The darkness comes and the darkness goes…”

I write this on the morning of my 21st wedding anniversary, sitting in an empty house with a cup of coffee in my favorite coffee cup, listening to these words by Duncan Sheik on Spotify.  It could not have been more timely…

Currently, I just have more on my plate than one person can really manage; and I’m profoundly proud of my level of calm in all of it.  I’m willing to bet that it is less calm and more that my surge capacity is completely shot.  Whatever it is, I’m thankful for it right now.

I’m thankful that I am in a financial position to close out a lot of what I was offering to teach this coming year before it got too far in and had enrollments.  The world’s delayed action for planning the year played out really well for me on a personal level.  I spent most of COVID playing “ostrich” with my head in the ground… or rather, buried in teaching Outschool classes that made up for some of the financial damage of recent years compounded and doubled down by COVID.   Again, thankful.

But as the school year approaches and I look around at the hurricane of the last several months, I’m trying to refocus efforts and turn inward.  I’m trying to reconnect with my kids and develop them in different ways–more focused on them as humans where previously I didn’t have the capacity to focus like that.  I’m removing things from my life that are not doing good for me… for my kids.  I spent the last few years doing what I was capable of, teaching groups to ensure that I was not falling off-track with my own kids studies.  Teaching and coaching also personally feeds my soul, so these did double duty in keeping my own mental health on track.

I will always teach.  I hate that word, “teach”, because it sounds so very “disseminator of information”-ish rather than facilitating a journey.  All of my coaching training and certifications come in very handy in good teaching, which should be a facilitation of the journey.  Much like coaching.

I’m tired.  I’m used up and worn out.  That was even before COVID, but COVID has thrown me under the bus and then life added to it during this time.

I surrender.

For now, I’m trying really hard to ignore the very, very large and concerning issues facing me right now and draw my children near to me–loving them as much as I can humanly love them and repairing the damage done by being too pre-occupied and worried about Other Things.

I wonder how many other people are in these shoes right now.  If you’re one of them, you’re not alone.  Come sit by the fire with me.

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