Thanks for bearing with me on my pause from writing. So much has happened in the last month that I can’t really talk about publicly at the moment just because it’s still in progress. Suffice it to say that my family is facing some pretty big challenges that may end in some pretty big life changes.
I have to be honest: it’s been an interesting month. Faced with potential job loss at the height of dealing with a health condition, my husband and I have had to sit down and re-evaluate every last aspect of our life–every priority, every choice we have made, every situation in it’s current place and whether it needed to change. Some consultations were had with various professionals in different domains of expertise. Some changes have been made. For the most part, we are in a position where we simply need to sit and wait.
Have we met? This is not my forte.
None-the-less, beneath the anxiety and stress of juggling the interim, there is a peace. I’m thankful for it. I’m even more thankful to have a husband that walks the same path of faith that I do with the same level of commitment and conviction. We know that ultimately, everything will work out as it should–whatever that may be. We know that in the end, we will manage and it will be okay albeit possibly very different. We know that these changes may show us who loves us for who we are and who likes us for what we represent. Knowing what to do in the meantime is hard. Knowing that it could mean drastic and difficult and possibly very sudden changes is hard. And the initial shock–when you first learn that there may be enormous change but you have no idea what it looks like–can be particularly hard on people who already struggle with diagnosed anxiety disorders. Needless to say, it has been a profoundly difficult month getting all of that manageable.
And the truth is that when you are faced with monumental challenges, you either survive or you drown. I am a survivor. My husband has traditionally been a drowner. But he is getting stronger and is facing this challenge in ways I have never seen in him before. I feel less alone on this journey. He’s had an incredibly difficult time and even at that–he’s navigated it better than he would have a year ago.
And I am grateful for that, too.
Because being alone to carry these monumental challenges feels lonely–especially if you are married.
So if you are a spouse out there carrying the greater bulk of burden in your household right now and feeling like there is no end in sight… I love you. I love you with all of the love and gratitude that your spouse would shower on you right now if they could… if they were not battling their own demons that keep them from being everything you need from them. I urge you to take care of yourself and not let this season of your life turn you into a martyr. I urge you to take care of your household even if you feel forsaken. I urge you to love yourself and to be a little selfish and enjoy that small selfishness as a means of giving yourself some restoration and relief from your labor. I urge you to find community to support you–even if it’s online.
You are important.
And you are loved.