Matthew Six Thirty Four

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

I have a photograph of the ocean at sunrise on my son’s birthday.  On the mat around the picture is this Bible passage.  It was everything I hoped for him in his life.

And now the mama becomes the student as I try not to worry too much.  Husbeau is still not working.  BigGuy is not responding to any medications that we’ve tried for attention and appears to be getting worse.  Girly’s emotions are getting the better of me.  As I search for housing in the one area Husbeau had a promising interview, I’m just overwhelmed with how the relocation (almost 7 years ago) obliterated our finances when they set the sale price for our house for a guaranteed 60-day sale… Our house closed for $60,000 and $100,000 less than it’s two best comparable properties in our town–each of which closed within two weeks of our house closing (but were on the market more than 60 days).  I don’t think we really considered what that would do to our future.  “The future” including right now.  *sigh*

Today I’m just going to worry about my kids well-being and ability to function as independent adults someday and leave it at that.  No, wait… I’m also going to worry about juggling the renovations that are not finished in the current home and Husbeau having the time and space he needs to find a job.  I’m going to also worry about how and when this house will be clean enough to meet my personal needs and mental health because for as long as I’ve lived with my husband–that has never happened.  I have vowed that 2017 would be different and guess what?  It will be.

Here I sit… trying to work out the finer details of providing Girly with what she will consider “schoolwork”.  Something that is fun but she feels qualifies as actual learning (which she doesn’t seem to want any part of).  My sweet girl is struggling to find herself in a world she doesn’t feel like she fits into and I need to find ways to support her and give her something that is all “hers”.  Soccer got old for her quickly as she didn’t connect to the girls on her new team and didn’t tolerate the amount of running that went with the personalities on the team.  I just need to find something else for her to take pride in.  Quite possibly art or piano.

Here I sit… trying to figure out how to support BigGuy as he feels his deficits more strongly which is only compounded by how they are affecting the family and his parents not-so-supportive-or-loving reactions to them because the parents are stressed out about our financial future and how quickly that might be an issue.

Thankfully, I have been able to keep my wits about me well enough to power through Girly’s 45 minutes of whine-crying and maintain my cool enough to be approachable when she felt like she just could. not. calm. down and felt like “she had to run away” even though she didn’t understand why… and I hugged her through it.  She let me.  I’m proud of myself for not losing my sh*t on everyone from the whine-crying as it’s a HUGE PTSD/developmental trauma trigger for me when it goes on that long.  I’m managing through that better than I might otherwise be managing and my girl felt like she could come to me for help.

So really… what is there to worry about today?  Nothing, I think.

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