I realize that *I* am the problem

We have just had a full week of the BigGuy uninspired to do anything academic.  It didn’t bother me, but the change certainly threw me off.  He had been so inspired for a while there.

And then I realized why… and I realized that the problem is truly me.  Ugh…

I started this blog as a means of trying to process the shift we needed to make in how we homeschool–because we very much follow the child and the child wanted more.  BigGuy wanted more  than “just reading in books”.  He wanted to learn FROM someone.  He wanted to discuss ideas and expand them.  He was actually rather explicit in this request.  And all I saw was a lot of work and a more structured way of doing things and I was heartbroken.

Yes… I think I’ve struck the heart of the problem.  I was heartbroken.  All my hopes and ideas about how our homeschooling life would be went down the drain.  Looking back, I didn’t mourn that loss; maybe because I truly did not believe this desire of BigGuy’s would stick.  I thought it would be short-lived.  I was really wrong.

(okay, now I’m starting to cry :/ )

Not once have I sat down with him at the end of the week to do the Socratic discussions.  In fact, there have even been some lessons I wanted for him that required me to be involved that we haven’t done simply because I wasn’t prepared and *I* was uninspired.

Shame on me.

The truth is: he wouldn’t get what he’s looking for at public school, either.  So it’s not like someone could say “Then just send him to school” and have a legitimate point.

I need to mourn the loss of the carefree homeschool life I thought we would be wandering through.  I also need to realize that homeschooling doesn’t need to either be the kind of structure and rigor I had to implement as a technology project manager and then public school teacher; or completely carefree.  There is a middle ground in there and my baggage is blinding me from seeing it.  I need to do better.  I need to let go of my crap and let my love for my kid go back to steering the boat–because that has always served us best in the end.

My BigGuy.  I love him so very much and he is sitting back and just taking what little I give without demanding more of me because for most of his life, I was a grumpy and selfish mommy.  Ugh… I’m not pity-partying myself here, I’m just taking pause to recognize the realities of where we are and why we are here.

Mama needs to move her ass and reprioritize.  Mama (and Papa) have been in the midst of change.  Change of direction for our lives and we are not quite sure what that will look like yet.  But we know there is very big change coming our way.  We are doing admirably in sitting back and waiting for it to unfold at it’s own speed–doing the things we need to do to aid the process without panic or worry.  Working through the steps of figuring it out.  Creating new goals and priorities for our family.  We started with a family mission statement that really helped me realize that in some ways, we were living very much aligned to what we wanted for our family; but in other ways, we had made plans that would ultimately conflict with what we wanted.  That was very eye-opening for me, and very concerning.  It was also a little confusing because it meant we needed to set aside some of our ideas and goals to redirect our life.

On the flip, it definitely made our path a bit clearer and that was a huge help.  That clearer path comes with having to make big changes; but we know what we’re trying to accomplish and that’s just so huge.

And Mama needs to get her act together and do what the BigGuy needs.


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